The Sick Obsessions of Haruhi Suzumiya
by The Cat With the Green Scarf
Summary: An overused idea, I know...Haruhi gets into yaoi and yuri. Kyon isn't too happy. Mikuru and Tsuruya are keeping secrets, Itsuki won't stop smiling and Yuki...? Chapter 3 now up!
1. Chapter 1

I'd only just managed to get used to Suzumiya and her idiocy. It took me a while to come to terms with her harassment of Asahina-san, the silent Nagato, and that idiot Koizumi with his goddamn creepy smile. I'd managed to get used to it in the end, but some things I'm still not necessarily happy with.

But this just takes the cake.

One day I innocently decided to walk into the club room. I knocked but there was no answer, so I assumed it was empty.

I wish I'd just turned and ran right that minute.

Suzumiya had Asahina-san in a headlock and was physically trying to force her to watch whatever was on the computer screen. Asahina, in her usual maid outfit, was sporting a bright red face and had her eyes shut tight.

"Look, Mikuru, this is the best part!" said Suzumiya, and Asahina-san made the mistake of temporarily opening her eyes.

"W-what are they doing?" she stuttered. She let out a terrified squeal, flushed even deeper and closed her eyes.

"Suzumiya, let her _go_!" I yelled, sprinting over.

"Kyon!" called Suzumiya. "Come see, it's really interesting!"

'I doubt it,' I thought, but I decided to peek at the computer screen regardless.

"OH MY GOD!" I yelled. No wonder Asahina-san had squealed; Suzumiya was bodily restraining her to force her into watching _hardcore yaoi_.

"Great, isn't it?" said Suzumiya. "Oh, look, they're at it again –"

Asahina squealed again, struggling for all she was worth.

Just listening to the noises the two on the computer screen were making was enough to make me feel ill.

"Suzumiya, let go of Asahina-san, she's obviously not enjoying this," I said calmly, though my face was burning.

"If I let go, will you watch it with me?" said Suzumiya.

"Of course not!" I exploded. "No one wants to watch your stupid yaoi!"

Nagato put down her book, rose out of her seat and strolled over to Suzumiya.

"You'll watch it, won't you, Yuki?" said Suzumiya. Nagato nodded. She probably didn't understand what was going on.

Suzumiya let go of Asahina-san, who dropped to the floor in a quivering mess. I pulled her to her feet and patted her back consolingly, making her whimper.

"I would have watched it," Koizumi commented as I dropped down next to him. "Joke, joke," he added when he saw the incredulous look I gave him.

"But do you know what this means?" I whispered. I made sure Suzumiya was too occupied with her pornography to overhear us.

"I think I do," said Koizumi gravely. "Let's just hope this is a phase and she'll get over it soon."

"I hope it is, or she'll make us all..." I trailed off.

Koizumi nodded, but he didn't seem too bothered by the possibility.

"Fancy a game of Old Maid?"

_Anything_ to take my mind off of Suzumiya and her sick fetishes.


	2. Yuri

A few days later, Suzumiya was still obsessed with yaoi, but at least Nagato would watch it with her rather than let Suzumiya force that poor, poor Asahina-san watch it with her.

Speaking of Asahina-san, she was nowhere to be found that one dreaded day, which made me feel rather downhearted. It was her bright, smiling face that usually gave me the motivation to drag myself along the hallway towards the clubroom at the end of each day. Instead I was left alone with Koizumi and his sinister smile, with background sounds of Suzumiya whooping at her animated porn.

Halfway through a card game with Koizumi, who was leering at me from across the table, I noticed – or rather, my ears noticed – that the voices emanating from the computer didn't sound male. Also, Nagato was back in her corner, reading silently, looking as if she was mildly disappointed.

Suzumiya noticed me staring in her general direction and grinned widely, beckoning me over.

"Kyon, Kyon!" she called. "I know you weren't too keen on the yaoi, but you might like this!"

She picked up the monitor and turned it towards me, where I was faced with not two men, but two _women_.

"What?!" I said intelligently, grabbing the monitor and staring at the characters. Somehow, two women getting it on seemed a lot less morbid than two men.

"Yuri!" said Suzumiya proudly.

I could have sworn that I heard Nagato make a strangled noise of disapproval then.

But, forget Nagato! I could watch this a lot more easily than yaoi!

"Before you get too hooked, Kyon," I heard Suzumiya say, "I want you to look for Mikuru. She's certainly in today, because I've seen her, and I don't want to have to give her the penalty for not showing up!"

I moaned, but I knew if I didn't obey Suzumiya I'd probably wake up with no teeth or worse, so I set out to look for Asahina-san.

Rather half-heartedly, I must admit.

After about five minutes, I heard the sound of a classroom door being opened at the other end of the corridor. I turned and found Tsuruya-san, her hair out of place and clothes slightly dishevelled, exiting an empty classroom. Her face was slightly flushed. She turned and started towards the exit, very careful to stay quiet.

"Oh, Tsuruya-san!" I called to her. I saw her back tense up and she stood still, as if wondering whether she should turn to face me or just make a run for it. Obviously, she chose the former.

"H-hey, Kyon, whatcha doin' at school so late?" she said, her voice bursting with fake energy.

"Suzumiya's club," I said simply, because that in itself should explain it. "Say, have you seen Asahina-san around?"

Tsuruya-san went slightly red and began to act very un-Tsuruya-ish indeed.

"What, are you assumin' that just because she an' I are friends and everything that I've gotta know exactly wheres she is all the times?" she replied angrily.

"I was only asking," I said, surprised at her outburst.

"Jeah, well, maybe you shouldn't!" Tsuruya said. She left in a hurry.

'She was acting very suspicious,' I thought to myself.

But I was distracted from my thoughts as Asahina-san poked her beautiful face around the door of the classroom, saw me and squeaked. "K-kyon! W-what are y-you doing h-here?"

"I was looking for you," I said. She, too, looked very unkempt, quite contrary to her usual neat-as-a-pin self.

"Oh! Well, I was j-just on my way to the clubroom now, so maybe we could go together?"

"Sounds great," I said. "Wait...what were you doing in that classroom with Tsuruya-san, Asahina-san?"

Asahina-san bit her lip and looked up at me with large eyes, the picture of innocence. Then a wide grin plastered itself onto her face and she placed a finger against her lips and winked, striking her trademark pose.

"That's classified."


	3. Live Action

When Asahina-san and I got back to the clubroom, Suzumiya was indulging in a yaoi fan fiction, sometimes reading snippets aloud to Nagato when a dirty part came up. It was still a lot better than the sound of strangled moans and screams coming from the monitor. She could read as much smut as she wanted in her own time – it was just watching it that bugged me.

It seemed that Suzumiya had decided that she wanted more than to just watch and read yaoi and yuri, though, because when we opened the door, Suzumiya had a camera in her hand and was awaiting us eagerly.

I peered behind her and caught sight of Nagato in a uniform that I recognised as the dress from _Strawberry Panic_ and Koizumi looking ridiculous wearing a pink wig. He was obviously supposed to be Shuichi from _Gravitation_. He was grinning just as idiotically as him, as well.

"Kyon!" Suzumiya cried, turning the camera towards me. "Get over here and be Yuki Eiri!"

"I'm insulted that you would assume I was the uke, Suzumiya-san," said Koizumi, but he laughed. I shuddered.

"I think I'll sit this one out," I said in a pained voice. I prepared myself for a beating of some sort from Suzumiya herself, but luckily she had just spotted Asahina-san.

"Mi – ku – ru!!" Suzumiya sang, bouncing over to poor Asahina-san, who quivered in fear.

"H-hello, Suzumiya-san," Asahina-san squeaked. Her arms folded over her chest instinctively.

"I think you'd look adorable cosplaying Kannazuki no Miko," Suzumiya announced, and she grabbed Asahina-san by the shoulder and commenced tying a ribbon into the shrieking girl's hair.

"I don't want to cosplay!" screamed Asahina-san. "Bad things happen when I cosplay!"

Suzumiya began yanking Asahina-san's uniform off, and her breasts spilled from her shirt, clad in a lacy pink bra. I wondered dimly to myself, 'Why does she wear such fancy underwear if she's only going to yelp when someone sees it?'

"DON'T LOOK!" Asahina-san wailed, arms flailing. Suzumiya's face was alight with perverted pleasure as she mauled the shorter girl. "PLEASE DON'T! NOOOOOOOOO!"

I lunged forward and seized Koizumi's arm, yanking him out of the room with me so violently that his wig fell off. The last thing I saw before I slammed the door shut, besides Suzumiya's rampant abuse, was Nagato's neutral face, observing the scene with mild interest.

Koizumi turned to look at my bright red face. "It's a shame you won't cosplay with us, Kyon," he said in a silky voice. "I was quite looking forward to it."

"Can you stop acting so _queer_, Koizumi? You're pissing me off!" I muttered. I placed a hand over my heart, as if to calm it down, and I felt it racing.

The squeals coming from the other side of the door had died down into muffled whimpers, so I assumed it was safe to re-enter.

I assumed wrong, it seemed.

Suzumiya was standing at the far side of the room, camera poised, as Nagato stood over Asahina-san, who was gazing up into Nagato's face in wonder. The alien's violet hair fell over her vacant face, catching the light and glinting impossibly brightly. Asahina-san's costume fell in folds around her and pooled on the floor where she lay, captivatingly beautiful, and enthralled by Yuki Nagato.

The camera flashed, startling me.

"That was fantastic!" Suzumiya cried. "It was like you really felt it! _Perfect!_"

I looked over at Koizumi, my mouth hanging open, to see he was gazing at me with his creepy smile still plastered onto his lips.

"Um..." Asahina-san murmured, still gazing at Nagato. "Maybe I _should_ get up..."

"Maybe you should," Nagato agreed.

Neither of them moved.

I saw Koizumi's lips move slightly, and I could barely make out what he was mouthing to me – _Suzumiya gets what she wishes for._

Did she wish for live-action yuri?

If so, I think she's going to get it.

*

Another few days later, I was still trying my best to not get involved in any yaoi-related activities either inside _or_ outside the clubroom. However, yuri-related activities were a different matter.

"Have you got it?!" Suzumiya yelled excitedly as I entered the clubroom that evening.

"Yes!" I said triumphantly. I held up a box set emblazoned with the holy words _Maria-sama Ga Miteru_.

Suzumiya shrieked in delight as I tossed the box to her. She gazed at it as if it was solid gold – greedily.

Perhaps our unison in our love for yuri is drawing us closer...?

However, soon an encounter with real-life yaoi (with much thanks to Suzumiya) put me off of the eccentric girl quite a lot.

I arrived early to a lesson, thinking that if the classroom was empty that I could maybe catch up on a few hours sleep before the lesson started. So I opened the door without knocking.

What is it with me and opening doors without knocking?!

Several desks were hastily pushed over or against the wall, and the sound of passionate lovemaking was coming from the centre of the classroom. Horrified, I strained my neck to see who the two naked lovebirds were.

It was Taniguchi and Kunikada.

I felt vomit rising in my throat and grabbed my neck, retching loudly enough to distract Taniguchi and Kunikada from their romantic sessions. They saw the open door. They saw me. They saw a few students that were rushing up behind me to see whether I was having some sort of fit or dying or something of the sort.

"It's not what it looks like," Kunikada blurted, stupidly.

I can't remember whether I passed out or not, but I probably did.

And with my last breath I cursed Haruhi Suzumiya to hell.


End file.
